Dingbat Arthur and the Satirical Knights
by Psyche17
Summary: A parody retelling of King Arthur. For humor's sake, I have exaggerated or even completely inverted many of the characters' personalities.
1. Chapter 1

For the sake of the following tale, we are going to pretend that historians agree, though when have historians ever agreed on anything, that the classical 15th century tale of King Arthur and his Knights rose from a real hero who lived a thousand years earlier in a period often called the Dark Ages during which time no texts or documents were written to account for this real hero actually existing. Recently discovered archeological evidence (we found a sword lying next to a stone) sheds light on his true identity.

Lancelot rode towards his small village in the middle of a beautiful grassy plain on which, suspiciously, no crops were being grown to support the afore spoken village. The curly locks on his head bounced in rhythm with the thump of his horse's hooves on the ground. That was a nice touch, Antoine. "The Roman's are coming!" he shrieked excitedly at his father who had seen his approach and left his predictable mud and straw hut to greet him. "I will finally grow up to be the bravest most handsome fighter ever! And people will remember my name forever and ever and ever!"

"Uhhh, Lancelot," his father whispered, "You are not Brad Pitt. This is not Troy…"

Lancelot continued seeming not to hear him, "I knew it wouldn't be long before they'd discover my extraordinarily high midichlorian count and train me to become a---"

"And you're not Anakin Skywalker either!" his father interrupted, "You are Lancelot and you are in the middle of a bloody Arthurian legend!" Then he mumbled to himself an unspeakable error that the greatest suspension of disbelief could not cover, "Where are they finding these kid actors these days?"

"Lancelot! Lancelot!" A young girl about Lancelot's age tumbled through the now gathered crowd of stock villagers towards Lancelot who sat atop his horse about to be led away by Stock Roman Soldier 1 and Stock Roman Stock Soldier 2. Lancelot looked down at the girl from his horse and spoke epically, "Good bye. I probably won't miss you, but you look like you might have grown up to be one fine lookin' babe someday. It's a shame I wasn't written any make out scenes." The girl then handed Lancelot a small animal carving. "Well what the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

Meanwhile at Hadrian's Wall, which historians agree was an actual wall that actually existed, Arthur, Pelagious, and the woman-folk gathered around a lake conveniently located directly off the road on which the young Sarmatian Knights will conveniently be traveling upon in no less than a paragraph from now. "So Arthur," spoke Pelagious to the young boy, "helping your mother with the laundry again? Surely there are more manly things—"

"Only the permanent press robes! Look, I made this for you!" Arthur said, handing Pelagious a circular stone tablet on which he had carved Pelagious' likeness.

"What the hellis this? A coaster? Whatthe hellam I supposed to do with this?"

"Well, I—"

"And why did you make my nose so big? My nose is _not _that large---and my hairline hasn't receded that much! Oh bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, Pelagious," Arthur said gloomily, looking down and kicking the dirt at his feet.

As promised, at that very moment the young Sarmatian Knights were riding on cue on the road past the lake. "Look, Arthur!" Pelagious spoke, "You see those rather dirty looking boys riding towards the gates over there?"

"Yes," Arthur replied, a little too enthusiastically, "Am I to give them bubble baths?"

"No, no, you idiot! You are to be their commander."

"I guess this means I can't help with laundry anymore."

Fifteen years and many bubble baths later, Arthur and the Sarmatian Knights rode their horses atop a hill overlooking a Roman caravan that will be attacked in the next paragraph. "And she caught him in nothing more than his britches lying in bed with her _sister_," came a voice that was Tristan's.

"No!" gasped Dagonet.

"Yes! Apparently it was quite the affair and had been going on for sometime," Tristan answered.

"Well what did she do?" asked Dagonet.

"Well," said Tristan in a dynamic tone, "She leapt up onto the bed and handed him the most swollen black eye you've ever seen and then proceeded to savagely tear out her sister's hair while screaming obscenities that woke up everyone in the entire corridor."

"Well I'll be…" spoke Dagonet thoughtfully.

"Will you two stop your gossiping?" interjected Arthur, annoyed, "We are about to go off into battle!"

"What? How do you know that?" asked Lancelot. Arthur gave Lancelot a knowing smile, and Lancelot gave Arthur a confused look in return.

"You know Gawain," mused Galahad, "Your hair looks especially curly this morning."

"Doesn't it look fabulous?" Gawain commented, tossing his locks about with his fingers.

"I wonder if I might braid flowers into it later on?" Galahad asked.

"Daisies this time," answered Gawain, "I don't know what kind of wild plant you came upon last time, but it gave me a rash and I couldn't stop scratching my head for weeks."

"Woads!" shouted Tristan suddenly.

"Ha! I _told _you!" Arthur called to Lancelot.

"Well," answered Lancelot, "Shouldn't we ride off and fight them or something?"

"No, no," replied Arthur, "Not yet. Let's wait here a moment."

"Arthur! The Romans are down there dying---"

"And are they not doing a wonderful job of it? Antoine really knows how to pick them."

"But are we not supposed to be down there protecting them?"

Arthur yawned, looking a bit bored, "Oh fine, fine! Let's be off then!"

Arthur and the Sarmatian knights rode swiftly off to aid the Romans who were being attacked by half naked blue men who historians would probably disagree were called woads. Arthur rode slightly ahead of the others, establishing his character as one with respected leadership qualities. He reached down to his hilt and pulled out Excallibur, which we will not call Excallibur because the historians never got back to us on that fact or conjecture or oh bloody hell! Arthur swung sword unnamed through the air, tossing it up in the sky in a graceful effort to adjust his grip. Unfortunately, sword unnamed slipped through Arthur's fingers, landing awkwardly on the ground. "Blast!" grumbled Arthur, dismounting his horse to fetch sword unnamed. "Ride on! Ride on!" he called after the knights.

It was an epic battle, a battle to end all battles. Unfortunately, it took place too soon in our tale so we may suppose that it wasn't really the battle to actually end all battles, but I won't give anything away. Lancelot dismounted his horse and strutted towards a group of woads. He let out a blood-curdling cry, "HECTOOOOOORRR!" The woads looked slightly confused but engaged him in a fight ending in their deaths and Lancelot's obligatory victorious hero pose. Tristan stood about awkwardly watching for several minutes until a woad sprung upon him. Tristan slashed his sword, cutting the woad across the chest. "Eeeewwww!" Tristan exclaimed disgustedly at the site of the blood that squirted out of the poor blue nude man. Tristan suddenly felt sick to his stomach and dizzy in his head. Darkness quickly overcame him and he fell to the ground. Gawain was busy dueling with a rather vicious looking woad and did not notice another woad coming at him from behind. Galahad did notice, however, and quickly dispatched an arrow into the back of the approaching woad. Galahad rode over to Gawain and quickly scolded him, "That would have _ruined _your hair!"

Arthur had retrieved sword unnamed and was upon his horse galloping towards the caravan just in time for the end of the battle. "Aww, did I miss it?" he asked, "Where is the bishop?"

"Umm…Art-th-th-thur?" stuttered timid Bors, "I, uhh, I f-f-found the Bishop in the carriage and he umm well, he uhh.."

"Yes? He what?" asked Arthur.

"He has an arrow going right through his skull," answered Dagonet smiling, "It looks really cool."

Arthur sighed, walked towards the carriage, and opened the door. "That's not the Bishop," he said, "But you're right. That looks _really _cool."

"Awthwah Cowstahs! Yo fwahthah's speeting eemahge!" came a voice from behind.

"Bishop Germarnus," greeted Arthur, "Welcome to my legend. I see you have used the dependable decoy trick."

"Aynshunt treeks fo un aynshunt dahg," replied the Bishop smiling. Arthur smiled in return. "So deese ahre thah gwate Swarmashun naheets Ah haf 'eard so mahch of in Rome," continued the Bishop, suddenly turning to poor Tristan who was lying unconscious on the ground.

"Oh, he's ok," said Arthur, "He faints at the sight of blood, but don't worry, Bishop, we will protect you."

"Ah haf no dowt cohmmahndah. No dowt," said the Bishop as he entered his carriage, suddenly deciding he no longer needed to employ the decoy trick.

"Do you have any idea what he said?" asked Lancelot.

"Not a clue," answered Arthur.


	2. Chapter 2

It has come time, my dear audience, for me to tell you of a large army of Saxons more commonly known as Big Hairy Men who were preparing to invade Britain. It is important to take note of two such Saxons, the first being Large Long-haired Saxon Father and the second being Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Both grunt a lot and stand around looking generally evil and malicious. What I am trying to say is that these are the villains of the story, and you should dislike them.

Meanwhile, Arthur and the Sarmatian knights accompanied the Roman caravan back to Hadrian's wall, which really, really existed. I'm serious. Historians agree.

"So anyways," Tristan began, having awoken from his state of unconsciousness, "I think she is sleeping around with one of the officers in the fourth legion because she's always scuttling about the west side of the fort, which as you know is the fourth legion's territory."

"But that doesn't mean anything," Dagonet argued, "Have you actually seen her with any of them?"

"Well no," Tristan answered, "But Lucilla said---"

"Oh please!" interrupted Dagonet, "Lucilla doesn't know what she's talking about. I never trust her about anything. Remember that time when---"

"Do you two ever shut up?" asked Lancelot agitated. Tristan and Dagonet rolled their eyes at him and continued on with their gossip. Behind them, Galahad had picked up some kind of wild flower which he was presently braiding into one of Gawain's long locks of curly hair. Gawain, however, had his attention on Bors. "So Bors," Gawain started, "Tell us of you and Vanora." This seemed to catch Tristan and Dagonet's attention for they quickly snapped their heads in the direction of Gawain and Bors, ready to listen intently.

Bors blushed, "Oh, I don't know. I was maybe going to ask, you know, for her hand."

"It's about time after all those children," said Galahad in a sagely voice.

"Oh, don't you know?" Tristan asked, "The children aren't his."

"Is this true?" Gawain asked Bors.

"Well, I'm a sensitive man, you see," Bors answered almost proudly, "A man of principles. I'm saving myself for marriage."

The knights snickered. "Then whose children are they?" asked Dagonet. At this question, Lancelot smirked and cantered up next to Arthur.

"Oh," remarked Gawain, laughing.

The caravan arrived presently at the gate of the great wall, but found it to be closed. Arthur looked up at a Roman guard who was stationed atop of the wall and called out to them, "Who goes there?"

Arthur answered slightly confused, "It is I, Arthur Castus from this very wall on which you are stationed! Future king of the Britons, future defeater of the Saxons, and future Sovereign of all England!"

"What? How do you know all that?" asked Lancelot, perplexed, but Arthur ignored him.

"Those are knights!" exclaimed the Roman guard.

"What?" asked Arthur.

"You've got a bunch of knights and they're sitting on horses behind you," the Roman guard answered.

"So?" asked Arthur, "We have just ridden from a battle with the woads escorting this caravan…"

"Where'd you get the knights?" asked the Roman guard.

"From Sarmatia," Arthur answered.

"From Sarmatia!" exclaimed the Roman guard, "How did you get them here?"

"Excuse me?" was Arthur's answer.

"Well they couldn't have gotten here all by themselves. Are you suggesting that Sarmatians migrate? Perhaps that hawk carried them here," hypothesized the Roman guard, gesturing towards the hawk that sat perched on Tristan's arm.

"That's ridiculous," scoffed Arthur.

"Well not if it's an African hawk," said the Roman guard, "They're quite strong, you know."

"Will you just open the gate?" asked Arthur, growing irritated.

"Fine, fine," replied the guard, "but I tell you it's just a simple question of weight ratios."

"Whatever!" cried Arthur.

Having finally been permitted through the gates of the great wall, Arthur and the knights congregated around what historians possibly agree was a round table and awaited the Bishop.

"Ah! Gwate naheets!" exclaimed Germarnus as he entered, "Yowah coowage hahs been tehstehd beeyahnd aw wimmits, baht Ay mwahst awsk yoo to weeve now."

"Weave what? Tapestries?" Galahad asked, almost enthusiastically.

"When do we get our discharge papers?" asked Gawain, twirling one of his curly locks between his fingers.

The Bishop, however, looked slightly agitated and gestured for the knights leave, which they did, graciously not making me have to write further dialogue concerning the matter.

"Yowah naheets," continued Germarnus to Arthur after the knights had left the room, "weel nawt weseeve deyar deeschawahge pehpers ahnteel dhey hawve wescued Ahlecto, thah Pope's favowitt gwawd chayuld, fwum thah Swacksons."

"Bishop," spoke Arthur, "I honestly have no idea what you are saying, but I have a feeling I'm supposed to be mad at you now, so here is my angry face and I will now storm out of the room."

After exiting the meeting with the cunning linguist Germarnus, the knights headed off to the tavern. Galahad and Gawain decided to put on a show of manliness for the others in the tavern by engaging in a knife throwing contest. Each aimed for and hit the leg of a chair that had been set upright atop a table as a target. Tristan wanted to give it a shot as well and approached from behind, knife in hand. Unfortunately, he tripped over Gawain's chair just as he released his knife which consequently landed in the thigh of a nearby Roman soldier. Tristan's face went white, and he quickly ducked back into the shadows as the Roman soldier screamed profanities, pulling out the dagger that had embedded itself in his leg.

"So," Dagonet said, seating himself next to Bors, "Where is Vanora?"

Bors nodded his head in Vanora's direction.

"You gonna ask her, then?" asked Dagonet, grinning. Bors blushed, and Dagonet nudged him over in Vanora's direction. Bors approached her and spoke, "Vanora…"

"Yes?" she replied.

"I was uhhh…I was wondering if you would…uhhh…" he almost spat the question out, but his cowardly nature overcame him. "If you would sing for us?" he improvised.

"Oh _no,_" groaned Galahad.

"He _didn't_," muttered Gawain.

Vanora proudly strode to the middle of the tavern and began to sing rather off key, "Land of bear and land of eagle. Land that gave us birth and blessing. We will go home across the mountains…"

"She sounds like a sick cow," commented Dagonet.

"Oh sweet heavens make it stop," complained Gawain.

Suddenly, another more angelic voice accompanied by soft, soulful music drowned out Vanora's.

"Thank heavens for the soundtrack!" sighed Galahad, relieved.

When the song had finally ended and the knights had managed to restrain themselves from gouging out their ear drums with rusty forks, they spotted Arthur entering the tavern. "Arthur!" they called to him.

"My brave and rather inebriated knights," Arthur began, "We have a final mission which is to go save a Roman boy and his family from the Saxon army that is planning to invade Britain. I am sorry, but you will not receive your discharge papers until we return with the boy and his family safely."

The knights stared at him placidly. "Alright then," said Galahad.

"Sure," replied Gawain.

"Sounds good," said Lancelot.

"I'm frightened of Saxons," Tristan whispered meekly, but Dagonet swatted him over the side of the head.

"I'll prepare," Dagonet said to Arthur.

"Well…" Arthur said, slightly surprised, "Alright then. We leave at first light."

Arthur left the tavern and went to the stables where he began speaking to a certain man unseen. "Oh Antoine, I am in such need of your mercy now," Arthur began, "Not for the plot, but for the characters for I fear some of them might die and---"

"Why do always talk to the director and not to me?" interrupted Lancelot, entering the stables, "Oh talk to whoever this Antoine is and hope he doesn't make us cross the Saxons."

"Antoine is the one who protects the plot, Lancelot, why do you question this?" asked Arthur.

"I suck at memorizing lines," said Lancelot, "but that is beside the point because I will have a sex scene, of that I am certain, but hopefully a sex scene with your wife for that is how the legend must---"

"And yet you choose celibacy for me!" yelled Arthur.

"No! I choose for you to have a sex scene too! And we will be part of the most famous love triangle of all time!" answered Lancelot.

"If it is Antoine's will," Arthur said soberly, and Lancelot rolled his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Skipping an unnecessary and boring stable scene involving Germarnus and the knights and a minor character Horton who pretty much vanishes from our story at this point anyway, we move on to the knights' dramatic exit from Hadrian's wall. Gallantly they rode off to the backdrop of the Irish, I mean, British natural scenery and into the woods. As is apt in these kinds of scenes, a tempestuous storm had begun brooding as the knights galloped through the forest. Their horses zigzagged between the trees as the knights ducked their heads beneath the branches. Well, I should say most of the knights ducked their heads for poor inattentive Arthur rode his face smack into a swinging tree branch, falling off of his horse and rolling down on the ground through the mud. "I'm alright!" he called to the knights, standing up and dusting himself off.

"Woads," said Tristan nervously, "They're tracking us. I don't want to die!"

"We're not going to die," assured Lancelot, but just then an arrow broke through the trees and soared past the group of knights.

"Run!" cried Arthur, mounting his horse and leading his knights down the path. The woads followed, however, in hot pursuit, until they finally had the knights cornered. The woads surrounded the knights with their arrows poised when suddenly a horn began to play in the distance.

"Is that Saturday Night Fever?" asked Gawain, a music connoisseur. The knights looked around and saw that the woads had put down their weapons and were dancing to the sound of the horn in the distance, the horn that was apparently playing a rather famous, but rather historically inappropriate BeeGees song.

"You know," noted Galahad, "They look kind of friendly when they're like this. Not at all frightening."

"Well they still frighten me," said Tristan who was sitting defensively upon his horse and shaking in fear.

"Merlin doesn't want us dead," Arthur remarked.

"What? Did Antoine tell you that?" Lancelot asked sarcastically.

"No," replied Arthur, "Really I'm just speculating."

And now it is that time in the story again to return to the Big Hairy Men called Saxons. I shall not digress too deeply into this subplot of the story for as I said previously their only real purpose is to be big and hairy and evil, but I suppose I should mention that these Saxons had formulated a plot to use the Roman boy Alecto for ransom. They were told of Alecto and his family's whereabouts by a British traitor who bore a striking resemblance to Sapes from Harry Potter. No, really, I'm serious.

Arthur and his knights arrived at the estate of Marius, Alecto's father, and were greeted by yet another daft Roman guard at the gate. "Who are you?" asked the Roman guard.

"I am Arthur Castus," answered Arthur.

"State your business," said the Roman guard.

"We want to see the Wizard—I mean---we wish to save Alecto and his family from the invading Saxons," answered Arthur.

"Ooooh! The boy with the head that's too small for his body? Why nobody ever sees him! I've never even seen him," the Roman guard said.

"Then how do you know that his head is too small for his body? Oh nevermind! We're wasting time!" Arthur said, irritated.

"Well give me one good reason why you should see him," said the Roman guard.

"We were sent by Bishop Germarnus," Arthur replied. He paused for a minute and then added rather embarrassed, "I'm also wearing ruby slippers."

"Oh," said the Roman guard, "Well bust my buttons. Why didn't you say so in the first place? That's a horse of a different color! Come on in."

"I just love your shoes," Galahad commented to Arthur as they rode through the gate.

"It's true," added Gawain, "but then again Galahad likes anything that sparkles." Arthur simply rolled his eyes.

Arthur and the knights entered the estate and noticed a rather rotund man bumbling towards them who, for the brevity of dialogue's sake, I will simply tell you is Marius. "What is the meaning of this?" he asked.

"We're here to evacuate you and your family," Arthur answered.

"Well I refuse to leave," Marius said defiantly.

"Too bad," Arthur replied, "Which is Alecto?"

"I am Alecto," came a voice from above.

"Pay no attention to the man up on the wall!" spoke Marius.

"Gather your belongings we are leaving," Arthur said and turned to Marius's wife, "Lady, my knights are hungry." After she left, Arthur turned to Dagonet. "And by 'my knights' I mean me," he said, "I wonder which way is to the kitchen." Arthur scanned his perimeter noticing a group of Roman soldiers walling up a building. "I bet that's it!" Arthur said, "Look at them! They think they can keep me out of the kitchen. Well, we'll just see about that."

"Umm…Arthur…" Dagonet interjected, "I don't think that's the---"

"Come along, Dagonet!" called Arthur, "I suspect we shall be needing your ax."

Arthur approached the soldiers waving sword unnamed in their faces. "Move!" he grunted. Dagonet picked up his ax and plowed through the stones, finding a locked door.

"Ah ha!" Arthur exclaimed, "The kitchen!"

"It is locked," said one of the soldiers, "From the inside."

"Bloody hell!" cried Arthur, "I'm hungry! Dagonet…"

Dagonet kicked the door open and followed Arthur down into what appeared to be a dungeon. "Ummm, Arthur," Dagonet spoke, "I really don't think this is the kitchen."

"Well of course not," replied Arthur, "but this is the way _to _the kitchen. I am sure of it."

"Alright then…" Dagonet said hesitantly.

Arthur followed a flight of stairs down to find rotting corpses left in dungeon cells and two monks murmuring, "In Nomine Antoine Fuqua, Jerry Bruckheimer…"

"Are you the chefs?" asked Arthur, "Because I'd like to talk to you about what is called sanitary eating and---" Just then Arthur noticed a woad sitting alive in one of the cells. He peered in at the woad and said, "Hello there. You look like you are in search for the kitchen as well. You are the skinniest twig of a person I have ever seen." The woad simply stared back at him in shock, so Arthur unsheathed sword unnamed and freed the woad from the cell. Just then Lancelot came down the stairs and asked, "What is going on?"

"We're looking for the kitchen," Arthur replied.

"It is the will of Antoine that you find these pagans being tortured in the dungeon," explained one of the monks to Lancelot who drew his sword and ran it through the monk.

"He's not my director!" yelled Lancelot.

Dagonet's voice was suddenly heard from the corner, "Arthur!" Dagonet pulled out a young boy and sat him down. "You must not fear me," Dagonet said to the boy. The boy, however, took one look at the large man in front of him and took off screaming out of the dungeon.

"Well that went over well," remarked Lancelot.

Arthur carried the woad out of the dungeon and laid the woad on the ground. Tristan took one look and ran off into the forest screaming, "A woad! Ahh! Don't let it kill me!"

"Water," Arthur said, "Bring me some water." One of the villagers ran over to him bringing a sack filled with water. "Thank you," Arthur replied to him, taking the sack and gulping down the water for himself.

Marius approached Arthur and spoke furiously, "These people are pagans! They must be sacrificed! You will be punished for this heresy!"  
"Perhaps I shall kill you now and seal my fate," Arthur yelled back, "You and your ridiculous phantom kitchens!"

One of the villagers spoke up, "It is we who provide the food for the estate, sir."

"Ah!" said Arthur, "Well in that case then you shall come with us."

Tristan rode back from the forest still looking rather frightened. "Saxons are approaching and the woads are dancing again," he said, "We must hurry."

"What do you mean?" asked Arthur.

"Do you not hear the drums?" Tristan replied.

"Oh, I do!" interjected Gawain, "and I _swear _that's Saturday Night Fever."


	4. Chapter 4

Snow had begun to fall as Arthur and his knights led the caravan of people from Marius's estate down a path to the south? No, to the east. So we are leading them to the south, then? No, we are leading them east through the mountains. Alright, so Arthur and his knights were leading the people south through the mountains---NO. TO THE EAST.---and hoping to avoid the Saxons in the process. Arthur decided to check on the woad and the young boy who were being tended to by Dagonet in one of the wagons. He found the young boy sitting in the corner coated in ashes and quickly learned that Dagonet had accidentily set the young lad on fire.

"He burns," spoke Dagonet, "Brave boy." Arthur raised an eyebrow and moved to attend to the woad who was towards the back of the wagon. Dagonet pulled him aside. "Arthur," he began, "We're umm…well, we're not exactly sure if the woad is a boy or a girl."

"Excuse me?" Arthur responded.

"Well, she, if it's a girl, doesn't have any---you know---and its voice is---" Dagonet tried to explain, "Oh you just see for yourself." Dagonet then exited the wagon, giving Arthur his privacy. Arthur approached "it" and examined its hands. It, however, seemed rather frightened of him.

"Parlay?" spoke its deep voice. '_Wow_,' thought Arthur, '_It really does sound like a man._'

"I'm sorry?" Arthur responded.

"Pirates code," it replied, "You must take me to see your captain."

Arthur was slightly confused, but answered, "I am the---captain, the leader really, of the knights at Hadrian's wall."

"Ah," it said, "The famous half-Briton who kills his own people who attack and try to kill him first, making them the not-so-famous or historically accurate people who kill their own half-people and making you the famous half Briton who kills his own not-so-famous or historically accurate people who try kill their own half-people."

"Well when you put it like that," replied Arthur, "Anyways, some of your fingers are out of place and I have to push them back."

Dagonet and Tristan sat outside the wagon with their ears pressed against the entrance trying to hear every word of what was going on. They could only hear hushed murmurs, however, over Galahad and Gawain's antics.

"Will you two be quiet?" asked Dagonet, irritated.

"Yeah," added Tristan, "We're missing all the juicy stuff!"

"Now you see, Gawain," Galahad said to his comrade, "I told you the ivy growing on Marius's wall would look absolutely wonderful in your hair with your complexion."

"Well, I had my doubts," Gawain answered, "It's not exactly floral, but there is something rather exotic about it."

The knights were silenced by sudden cracks and snaps from inside the wagon followed by a groan-like scream and heavy breathing.

"Well," giggled Dagonet, "They seem to be getting on quite well." Arthur exited the wagon to find the knights outside smirking at him.

"Some of her—or---his fingers were out of place," Arthur said, "I had to push them back."

"A likely story," teased Galahad.

We must now briefly digress back to the Saxon camp where Large Long-haired Saxon Father found it much easier to comprehend that the knights were headed _east_ through the mountains. They had found Marius's estate empty besides the two monks who disclosed to them that Arthur was taking the family back to Hadrian's wall. "Arthur?" asked Large Long-haired Saxon Father's son, "Who is this Arthur?"

"He's the famous half Briton who kills his own not-so-famous or historically accurate people who try kill their own half-people," answered the Sapes-look-alike traitor.

"Cut off their retreat," Large Long-haired Saxon Father ordered Large Long-haired Saxon Father's son, "but first let us burn this village and walk single-file through it as burning debris falls upon us."

The caravan of knights, Romans, village people, Arthur, and a gender ambiguous woad rode quickly down the path through the mountains. Arthur once again approached the woad who was sitting at the entrance of the moving wagon.

"How many Britons have you killed?" it asked in its masculine voice.

"As many as have tried to kill me," answered Arthur, "It's the natural state of any man to want to live."  
"Animals live," it replied heatedly, "It's the natural state of any man to want to live free in his own country."

"Listen, la---person," Arthur retorted, but paused and thought for a moment, "You know much of the state of…._man_?" It only gave him a confused look in return, so Arthur rode off, allowing Lancelot to engage it in conversation.

"Hello," greeted Lancelot, "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

"Don't listen to him," called Bors from afar, "That's Lancelot."

"I see," it said, "Well, Lancelot or Maximus or whoever you are, it sounds like you fight for what we fight for: our land, our freedom…"

"Really?" asked Lancelot.

"No," it responded, "but that's supposed to be my next line."

"Oh," said Lancelot, "Well don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the woads. I do not fear the southern side of Hadrian's wall as you do."

"Huh?" the woad responded.

"For the last time!" called out Bors again, "You're not Anakin Skywalker!"

In every "wandering through the forest" story where a character, regardless of gender ambiguity, is being portrayed by a hot young female star, there must be the seductive bathing scene. The following, my dear audience, is my attempt at the seductive bathing scene.

"Ok," said Dagonet to Marius's wife who was headed with bath supplies to help the woad, "When you're in there, will you, you know, take a peek?"

Appalled at such a request, Marius's wife slapped Dagonet across the face and stormed off. "No, no!" Dagonet called after her, "You misunderstand! We just want to know if it's a man or a woman! Oh bloody hell!"

Marius's wife bathed the woad behind transparent curtains, which I suppose could not be adequately described as curtains seeing as they did not fulfill the purpose of curtains, but alas I digress. The knights congregated around Lancelot who was standing against a tree watching the bathing ritual.

"Ten gold coins it's a woman," Bors offered.

"What would you know of women?" snorted Galahad.

"He certainly seems to take more of an interest in them than you do," teased Tristan.

"It has long hair," explained Bors.

"Does that make me a woman?" Gawain asked.

Bors merely had to point to the ivy that was delicately braided into Gawains hair for all the knights to start chuckling.

Lancelot, clearly irritated by all the knights standing around watching the woad bathe, said suddenly, "Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?"

"Lancelot," said Dagonet, "You're not Russel Crowe." The woad then emerged from the bathing area in a long blue dress and wrapped in a red cloak.

"Ha!" Bors whispered to the others, "I told you! See! It's wearing a dress."

"Have you not seen the Romans?" asked Gawain, "They all wear dresses."

The knights all scurried away as the woad approached Lancelot. "What was your home like?" it asked.

"Well, if there's a grand center of Europe, this was the country the farthest from. It was sandy," Lancelot replied, now channeling his Skywalker roots, "And I hate sand. It's rough and course and irritating. And it gets everywhere."

"That sounds a lot like freedom," the woad said.

"Huh?" replied Lancelot.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur sat with his back against a tree, wrapping himself in his cloak to keep warm. He noticed something moving amidst the trees and saw it to be the woad who had introduced itself as Guinevere. Arthur stood up excitedly and spoke, "Hide and seek! I love hide and seek! Olly olly oxen free!" Arthur took off into the forest chasing after the woad who stopped abruptly and appropriately in a patch of mist, adding to the mysterious elements of the scene. Guinevere looked at Arthur. Arthur gazed at Guinevere. Guinevere continued to look at Arthur, and Arthur continued to gaze at Guinevere. Finally Arthur spoke, "Can we go back to playing hide and seek? I suck at the staring game." Arthur, however, was interrupted by a mysterious figure advancing from the trees.

"I am Merlin," greeted the newcomer, "a dark magician some say or at least some were supposed to say if this negligent narrator hadn't cut my earlier scene." (You must forgive Merlin, my dear audience, for he appears to be slightly bitter with me for just now introducing him to the story.)

"You betrayed me!" shouted Arthur at Guinevere.

"He means you no harm," answered Guinevere.

"Peace be between us on this night Arthur Castus," Merlin said.

"I want none of your vegetables!" cried Arthur.

"No, Arthur," Guinevere said, "Peace, not peas."

"Arthur," spoke Merlin again, "The Saxons have come to Britain and have proven themselves to be both big and hairy. They are also generally malicious. I say we team up and get rid of them. What do you say?"

"No! I hate you!" Arthur shouted, "You killed my mother!"

"No," replied Merlin, "I _am _your mother."

"That's not true!" Arthur cried, "That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings," Merlin said, "you know it to---oh who am I kidding---you're right, it's impossible, but seriously, I think we should become allies."

"Whatever," said Arthur, "We are riding south through the mountains right now, and I have no time for these shenanigans."

"Umm, actually, Arthur," interjected Guinevere, "we're riding east."

I beseech that your gracious audience-ness will forgive my relating of the following events slightly differently than was Antoine's vision. The following morning, Tristan awoke early and meandered about the camp site. He stumbled over what he found to be a Saxon armor piercing. "How interesting," he mused as he picked up the weapon and examined it. In what was perhaps not one of his brightest moments, Tristan began playing with the trigger, accidentally releasing an arrow through the air that managed to embed itself directly into the heart of Marius himself. As Tristan's luck would have it, however, Marius had been holding the young boy Lucan by the throat with a knife and Tristan's arrow had saved the boy. Lucan ran over to Tristan and gave him a big hug. Dagonet scowled at Tristan in jealousy. "Oh sure," Dagonet remarked, "Of course he likes _you._" Just then, Guinevere darted out from the woods with a bow and arrow in hand. She dispatched an arrow directly into the chest of Marius who was already lying on the ground dead.

"Nice shot!" said Arthur to Guinevere.

"Your hands seem to be better," mused Lancelot, "Perhaps later we will kill some more Romans for you to shoot."

"Do we have a problem here?" called Bors riding towards the uncooperative Roman soldiers.

"Bors!" called Arthur, "There you are! You must have found one hell of a hiding place!"

"I'm sorry?" replied Bors, confused.

"In hide and go seek, silly!" Arthur said as though Bors were the crazy one.

"Oh…" said Bors, "Right…"

Arthur then turned his attention to the Roman soldiers. "You have a choice," he said, "You help or---Actually, I lied, you don't have a choice. Now, drop your weapons."

The Romans dropped their weapons and the caravan continued to head south, I mean, east through the mountains. Arthur approached young Alecto, whose head really was too small for his body.

"I'm sorry for your loss," said Arthur solemnly.

"My father lost his way," Alecto replied.

"Yes, well," Arthur said, "the path that goes south through the mountains has many turns and it is easy to get lost."

"I thought we were headed east?" asked Alecto.

"Well, yes," Arthur said, "Anyways, we will soon be headed to Rome where I will meet again with my bestest friend ever Pelagious and we will do laundry together and take bubble baths and never be parted again ever! You should come meet him. He has a large nose and a receding hairline and, unlike you, his head is actually too big for his body."

"They killed Pelagious," said Alecto.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Arthur, "Well then why the hell would I want to travel all the way east to Rome?"

"Actually," Alecto said, "Rome is more south than east…"

"Yes, yes! I know!" answered Arthur, agitated.

The caravan soon came upon a frozen lake, which would be the great debate of many fans over many of the following years as to why a path would lead directly into a lake, but alas I digress. The knights all agreed that they must cross the frozen lake, directing all the villagers to exit the wagons and spread out.

"You know," said Galahad with a twinkle in his eye, "Ice brings out a certain grace in me."

"Oh goody!" squealed Gawain, anticipating what was to come. Galahad stripped of his armor in a swift, flamboyant movement revealing a spandex costume fully decked out in sparkling sequins.

"I told you," Gawain remarked, "Galahad loves anything that sparkles." Galahad then took off down the ice gliding, spinning, and twirling.

"Night fever! Night fever!" sang Gawain, "We know how to do it!" Galahad skated to Gawain's singing, showing off with a triple axle. Suddenly, the knights realized that Gawain was being accompanied by percussion from off in the distance.

"Saxons!" spoke Lancelot.

"They're not behind me, are they?" asked Tristan nervously, "I hate looking over my shoulder."

"Knights…" began Arthur, hoping they would anticipate his following question.

"What?" asked Bors. Alas, the knights did not anticipate his following question.

"I believe it is the will of Antoine that we fight these Saxons," Arthur explained.

"Here? Now?" whined Dagonet, "I don't wanna."

"I haven't finished my routine yet!" Galahad chimed in.

"My ass hurts," complained Bors.

"Well," Arthur said, "Too bad because we are going to fight them now."

"Umm, Arthur," interjected Gawain, "Tristan fainted."

"Already?" replied Arthur, "Bloody hell!"

"You're eight against two hundred!" gasped Ganis, one of the villagers.

"What are you? Taking roll?" asked Arthur.

"Nine," interrupted Guinevere, "You could use another bow."

"Another boy? Ha! I told you it's male!" said Gawain.

"Another _bow_," corrected Arthur.

"I want to fight too!" said Ganis.

"No," spoke Arthur, "You need to lead the other people to safety, mostly because you're too ugly to warrant more screen time."

Ganis led the rest of the caravan across the ice to the other side of the lake and into the woods. The knights, Arthur, and Guinevere stood in a line with their arrows poised as the Saxons led by Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald son made their way onto the ice.

"There are a lot of lonely men out there, Galahad," said Gawain.

Galahad put a comforting hand on Gawain's shoulder, "Don't worry, I won't let them rape you."

The Saxons halted their march towards the line of knights, and their archers took aim.

"Ummm, Arthur," said Guinevere, "the Saxons are about to shoot at us. Shouldn't we---"

"Don't worry," Arthur answered, "They're far out of range."

Just then an arrow clipped past Arthur's neck. "Bloody hell!" he screamed, pressing his hand against his scraped neck and wincing. The knights were clearly outnumbered, though I doubt that you, my sagacious audience, are too terribly concerned that the Saxons will be victorious. Dagonet, however, was very concerned and decided that it was his destiny to sacrifice himself for the sake of his fellow comrades. Dagonet grabbed his ax, let out a battle cry, and ran towards the middle of the frozen lake and the Saxons.

"Dag!" screamed Bors.

The Saxons, seeing a rather large man bolting towards them, quickly sounded their retreat, leaving Dagonet standing in the middle of the lake by himself staring in disbelief. Arthur ran over to his side. "Wait a second," he said, "This isn't supposed to happen! By Antoine, you're supposed to---"

Just then, Dagonet shifted his weight and crashed through the ice, sinking beneath it.

"Ah," said Arthur, "There we go."

A faint cackling laugh could be heard from the woods behind the knights. The knights turned and glared at what revealed itself to be Lucan giggling heartily at poor Dagonet's fate.


	6. Chapter 6

Well here it is, the final chapter. Thanks so much to all who reviewed! I hope you have enjoyed reading this because I have certainly enjoyed writing it.

* * *

Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son returned with his troops to the main Saxon camp where Large Long-haired Saxon Father awaited him. "My twoops and I failed you, father," apologized Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son, "I offer my life for my disgrace."

"No, my son," replied Large Long-haired Saxon Father, "But wait a minute, you have some mascara running down your face."

"What?" asked Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Large Long-haired Saxon Father picked up a knife and cut it across Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son's cheek just below the eye.

"Oops," said Large Long-haired Saxon Father, "Anyways, you are a failure, so I am putting the Hagrid-look-alike here in charge of your troops."

"Wow," Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son commented, "He really does look like Hagrid."

When the knights returned to Hadrian's wall they were greeted by Bishop Germarnus. "Awgehnst awll awds Gawd cood mustah!" rejoiced Germarnus, "Ahlehcto! Yowah awive!" Germarnus leaned towards Alecto to embrace him in a hug, but Alecto quickly backed away. "I will not be your wife!" Alecto exclaimed, then turned to Arthur, "That's what he said, right?"

"I honestly haven't a clue," Arthur answered.

"Ahnd now," continued Germarnus, "Yowah naheets weel receeve deyar deeschawage pehpars!" Germarnus opened a box containing scrolls for each of the knights. The knights each took a scroll.

"Hey look!" exclaimed Lancelot, grinning profusely after he had opened his scroll, "Porn!" The other knights quickly opened their own scrolls and began studying the contents intently.

"Ummm," stuttered Germarnus blushing, "I-I mahst haf bwought thah wrawng bawks."

"Hey wait," said Bors examining his scroll, "This looks like some kind of demented cow."

"You're holding it upside down, idiot," answered Gawain.

Night had fallen and so had Arthur as he tripped over a chair as he made his way through his room to his bed. "Who the hell put that there?" muttered Arthur. Arthur sat down on the bed and sighed. He suddenly looked down beside him, however, and saw Bishop Germarnus glaring up at him. "Awthah Cahstahs!" shouted the Bishop, "Geht owut of my woom!"

"This is _my _room!" Arthur shouted back.

"Yoo gehve it to me," Germarnus reminded him.

"Oh bloody hell!" exclaimed Arthur, leaving the room and finding a vacant one down the hall. Arthur once again sat down on the bed, but was soon interrupted by Guinevere entering the room with a rather seductive look on her face.

She approached him and spoke, "What tomorrow brings, we cannot know."

"Oh, I already know," said Arthur, "See, it is the will of Antoine that---"

"Well in that case," Guinevere replied, annoyed, "You should know that this is the almost-sex scene. Now shut up!"

'I really hope this turns out to be a girl,' Arthur thought to himself. Arthur and Guinevere were soon interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Arthur! Come to the wall now!" spoke the voice from outside.

"I'm coming! I mean—" Arthur corrected, realizing his poor choice in words, "I'll be right there!"

Arthur climbed the stairs to the top of the wall where Lancelot stood waiting. "Saxons," Lancelot said, motioning towards the army that was camped outside the wall.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Arthur.

"I have an idea," Lancelot said, "See, we build a big wooden horse and we all hide inside it and then---"

"Lancelot, first of all," spoke Arthur, "This isn't Troy. Second of all, we'd have to be on the OTHER side of the wall for that to work."

"Oh," replied Lancelot.

"Knights," said Arthur decisively as he turned to the other knights, "My journey with you must end here." The knights frowned. "Oh and by the way," Arthur added with a grin, "The woad is _totally_ a girl." Arthur then descended the stairs followed closely behind by Lancelot.

"Arthur!" called Lancelot, "For our friendship's sake, I beg you! Why did you get a sex scene and I did not?"

"An _almost _sex scene," Arthur corrected, "And I am sorry Lancelot, but I have discovered it is not Antoine's will that you have a sex scene."

"No, I am sure you are wrong," Lancelot replied, "I may not be Brad Pitt or Anakin Skywalker or Russel Crowe, but if I _am _Lancelot, I _will _have a sex scene."

"I'm sorry, Lancelot," answered Arthur and walked away.

Arthur sat in full armor atop his horse on a hill overlooking the Saxon army. "You know," Arthur mused to himself, "I look rather nice in this eyeliner. It really brings out my eyes."

The knights looked up at Arthur on the hill as they followed the Roman caravans from the wall, hoping to journey home to Sarmatia. Out of respect, Bors broke from the line and called out to Arthur, "Maaaaaarcooooo!"

"Poooooolooooo!" cried Arthur in return, smiling at the memory of such games.

For brevity's sake, my dear audience, I will simply explain to you that the knights decided to stay and fight with Arthur against the Saxons. This chain of events ended in a heart-warming scene of camaraderie and an epic battle speech. The knights discovered they were to be aided in battle by the woads with whom Arthur had allied himself. The knights noticed Guinevere standing at the edge of the forest covered in war paint.

"Are you _sure _it's a girl?" asked Galahad.

"Seriously," added Gawain, "Even Galahad here is more well endowed than that…"

"Yeah? And how did you discover that?" teased Lancelot.

Arthur rode outside the gates to meet Large Long-haired Saxon Father. "Arthur," greeted Large Long-haired Saxon Father, "No matter where I go on this wretched island, I hear your name."

"I came to see your face, Saxon!" replied Arthur, "So that we may avoid the plot-hole of my engaging you in battle having never met you and therefore not knowing that you are Large Long-haired Saxon Father, the villain of this movie."

"Ah, finally," Large Long-haired Saxon Father said, "A man who has read the script."

The knights and the woads engaged the Saxons in battle and I hope your gracious audience-ness will forgive my skipping to the important parts of the battle. Tristan blundered about the battlefield aimlessly, hoping to avoid having to fight for as long as possible. Finally, Tristan decided that at some point he should engage one of the Saxons in battle and actually help out a little. Tristan noticed a rather large Saxon with long blond hair and thought to himself, "Well, he looks harmless enough." Tristan approached who you the sagacious audience would recognize as Large Long-haired Saxon Father. Galahad had also spotted Large Long-haired Saxon Father, however, and rode towards him. "Hey!" called Galahad, "I just thought you should know that your hair is absolutely _lovely_. Maybe after the battle I could---"

"Galahad!" called out Gawain with a betrayed look on his face.

"Must go!" said Galahad, riding back over to Gawain's side.

Large Long-haired Saxon Father turned his attention back to Tristanas thousands of fan-girls everywhere cried out in terror. Tristan stood waiting for Large Long-haired Saxon Father to make the first move. Suddenly, Arthur came galloping upon his valiant steed, brandishing sword unnamed and trampled right over poor Tristan who fell to the ground dead from the impact.

"The Saxon is mine!" growled Arthur at Large Long-haired Saxon Father, not noticing Tristan's fall.

Meanwhile, Lancelot intervened in a fight between Guinevere and Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son, which surely would have ended in Guinevere's death.

"My name is Inigo Montoya," said Lancelot to Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son, "You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Lancelot!" called Bors from afar, "This isn't The Princess Bride!"

Lancelot ignored Bors and began fighting with Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Lancelot became distracted, however, long enough for Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son to pick up a cross-bow and shoot Lancelot directly in the chest.

"Whoa," said Lancelot placidly.

"You're not Keanu Reeves either!" called Bors again, not realizing Lancelot's fate.

"Wait a second," Lancelot said looking down at the arrow lodged in his chest, "This isn't supposed to happen! What the hell is going on! I don't know who this Antoine fellow is, but he clearly knows nothing of Arthurian legends! I'm not supposed to die! Not…yet anyway. Oh bloody hell!" Lancelot picked up his sword and threw it into the abdomen of Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Lancelot then fell to the ground and died, never getting his own sex scene.

It is perhaps unnecessary that I divulge to you the sagacious audience that Arthur fulfilled his plot requirements by killing Large Long-haired Saxon Father and uniting Britain in the common cause of freedom, so we may now move on to the grand finale wedding scene. Arthur and Guinevere stood before Merlin in a ceremony to join them in matrimony. Merlin handed them a cup filled with wine and spoke something in his native tongue. Guinevere drank from the cup and then handed it to Arthur who also drank.

"What did he say?" Arthur asked Guinevere.

"He said he spiked it," Guinevere answered.

"What? How do you spike an alcoholic drink?" asked Arthur, suddenly feeling a bit unsteady on his feet. He then took sword unnamed and pointed it to the sky, "Hey look at those pink elephants flying around up there!" Guinevere joined her hand with Arthur's at the base of sword unnamed, and a group of woad archers shot flaming arrows off the cliff in celebration. "Hey!" Arthur screamed running towards them, "Stop trying to kill my pink elephants!"

"Galahad," said Gawain solemnly, turning to Galahad, "There's something I need to tell you."

"Yes?" asked Galahad.

"Well," Gawain said, "Antoine offered me a contract and, well, I'm going to be doing a sequel."

"What?" responded Galahad in shock. Just then a knight dressed fully in green armor approached the wedding congregation. "Would anyone like to engage in a game of beheading?" asked the green knight.

As was Antoine's vision, we shall end our story with my telling you of the fates of the fallen knights. I ask that your gracious audience-ness at this time imagine three valiant horses running across an open field, for historians possibly might maybe agree that legend has it that great knights return as horses. "And as for the knights who gave their lives," spoke Lancelot the horse, "Their fates were cause for neither mourning nor sadness. For Tristan was offered a role as Mr. Ed, Dagonet starred with Viggo Mortessen in Hidalgo, and I, well, you may know me best as Seabiscuit."


End file.
